You're the strongest person I know. Despite your hardships, lifetime's works and a plethora of disasters, you pulled through. You had a husband and five children. And five grandchildren. And I, was the first, the only one you took care of when you were younger and I was a toddler.
Sometimes, I wished that they hadn't told me about this. But I guess, being the closest grand child and basically, an adolescent. They're really afraid that I can't accept it and be strong. I am really petrified beyond my senses. Vivid flashbacks of the past when you were in the pink of health depicted in my mind. I guess it is true what they say. You don't know what you got till it's gone.
I can't see through my tears for what I'm typing. I cannot describe this intense feeling of sadness. I can't stop this tears from rolling down my cheeks. I can't stop thinking about why, why couldn't I spend more time with you. I can't forgive myself for all the bad I've done. I can't thank you enough, for being a good grandmother. After all, I'm only left with you when my paternal grandmother passed away. It was quite sad but being closer to you, I'm really depressed right now.
I hope that what they said will not affect me with my O levels next year. I hope that your life span is longer. And that you heal from that cancer. And be like you used to. A very joyful and loving grandmother. I miss you so much. I wish I had cherished those times better.
I can't type anymore....
And maybe then we'd remember to slow down.
on Thursday, December 3, 2009, @ 9:46 PM
on Thursday, December 3, 2009, @ 9:46 PM
I can clearly admit that I am not myself anymore. Nope, I don't want to be either. I've changed, and will continue to change. For the better, or for the worst, you decide. Everybody has different perspectives. Don't be imbecile to follow critics.
Someone talked to me about death like it was a snap away. I guess that completely made me burst into tears and realize that everything is never the same anymore. Never. It hurts more when I realize my mistakes rather than committing the mistake before hand. True?
I know nobody reads this hell of a blog but I don't care, it's just a bunch of words splattered around.
;(...
Someone talked to me about death like it was a snap away. I guess that completely made me burst into tears and realize that everything is never the same anymore. Never. It hurts more when I realize my mistakes rather than committing the mistake before hand. True?
I know nobody reads this hell of a blog but I don't care, it's just a bunch of words splattered around.
;(
All my life i've been waiting.
on Saturday, November 28, 2009, @ 10:06 AM
on Saturday, November 28, 2009, @ 10:06 AM
Come to think of it, I've realized one thing that I used to do every night without fail in my life. I used to stare into the mirror, and not say admire the reflection of myself but more of look at what I execrate of myself, which are my flaws. Sometimes I feel that being myself is unacceptable in my social circle that I live in and to those who depend on me.
I don't quite know how to explain myself but all I know is that, the real me is not that nice. Wish I could rewind my whole life and be a better person. Be more friendly and socialize better. Not being somebody who seems snobbish or whatsoever even though me, on the inside is not.
I don't know why but I really used to detest myself. It seemed like, I was just some average looking unknown little girl that no one is going to find. And after years had gone by, I realized that no matter what I do, people will never notice me. I could be there in front of them, pretending to smile as if I knew them, but they'd never notice me. What more remember my presence?
I know that my anti-socialness and me, who does not know how to make friends due to following the quote, "do not talk to strangers" and knowing that everyone is strange because you've never seen them or heard from them before. It wasn't that easy to let this habit go but slowly I did. And of course, I've always known that I'd be one of those invisible people in school.
But relatively, it kinda hurts. Especially when people ask you about you knowing a person. And I seem to know many students yet I tell them to not bother asking about me. Most probably those students do not and won't ever get to know me. So simple enough to not question me. And to reply a sad question like, "How come I've never seen you around?" is like asking someone whether she/he existed.
Anyway, for now, I've stopped staring at my own reflection. It's just time to give in to myself.
I'm just relating to how I feel as of now but it's okay. I'm going off. Toodles. Sorry for this abrupt ending. Just sick of school and all.
...
I don't quite know how to explain myself but all I know is that, the real me is not that nice. Wish I could rewind my whole life and be a better person. Be more friendly and socialize better. Not being somebody who seems snobbish or whatsoever even though me, on the inside is not.
I don't know why but I really used to detest myself. It seemed like, I was just some average looking unknown little girl that no one is going to find. And after years had gone by, I realized that no matter what I do, people will never notice me. I could be there in front of them, pretending to smile as if I knew them, but they'd never notice me. What more remember my presence?
I know that my anti-socialness and me, who does not know how to make friends due to following the quote, "do not talk to strangers" and knowing that everyone is strange because you've never seen them or heard from them before. It wasn't that easy to let this habit go but slowly I did. And of course, I've always known that I'd be one of those invisible people in school.
But relatively, it kinda hurts. Especially when people ask you about you knowing a person. And I seem to know many students yet I tell them to not bother asking about me. Most probably those students do not and won't ever get to know me. So simple enough to not question me. And to reply a sad question like, "How come I've never seen you around?" is like asking someone whether she/he existed.
Anyway, for now, I've stopped staring at my own reflection. It's just time to give in to myself.
I'm just relating to how I feel as of now but it's okay. I'm going off. Toodles. Sorry for this abrupt ending. Just sick of school and all.
I break the rules so I don’t care.
on Thursday, November 26, 2009, @ 2:01 AM
on Thursday, November 26, 2009, @ 2:01 AM
Just came back from Johor. The heat was somehow killing me. The temperature was like 36 degrees and that's the same as our body temperature. Weird. Anyway, I've realized that I always sleep in long vehicle rides. Haha. Maybe many people do. I know, you might question me why I'm starting to use Blogger again but the main reason is that I like to use tumblr to reblog or like or publish photos and post short posts so it won't look wordy. But as for Blogger, I made it wordy without photos.
Took some photos while in the car, I'll most probably upload it to my tumblr and facebook later on. I can't believe that tomorrow's actually Hari Raya Haji. That's so fast. I don't really look forward to it since my grandmother is ill and can't cook superb delicacies for my family anymore. And I pretty much don't look forward to my father's family side gathering cause I'm afraid they'll disturb me about something. Well, it's okay. I'll deny what is not true.
This paragraph won't get any longer cause I'm lazy to type more. Toodles....
Took some photos while in the car, I'll most probably upload it to my tumblr and facebook later on. I can't believe that tomorrow's actually Hari Raya Haji. That's so fast. I don't really look forward to it since my grandmother is ill and can't cook superb delicacies for my family anymore. And I pretty much don't look forward to my father's family side gathering cause I'm afraid they'll disturb me about something. Well, it's okay. I'll deny what is not true.
This paragraph won't get any longer cause I'm lazy to type more. Toodles.
You're finding things that you didn't know.
on Tuesday, November 24, 2009, @ 4:58 AM
on Tuesday, November 24, 2009, @ 4:58 AM
I know I've not posted here in such a long time. Well, I personally dislike abandoning blogs, especially those with readers. I really feel bad about it though but what I can do anyway. It's not going to be simple for me to get my readers to come and read again but it's okay. I don't mind my posts left unread, at least I posted. And that relieves me.
Anyway, I went to Bintan for a few days for a CIP school trip. It was awesome I tell you! Heh.
...
Anyway, I went to Bintan for a few days for a CIP school trip. It was awesome I tell you! Heh.
'Cause everything is never as it seems.
on Monday, November 2, 2009, @ 7:05 AM
on Monday, November 2, 2009, @ 7:05 AM
Sometimes, thoughts just run through my mind. And it's not jealousy that I'm thinking of, really. It's just that, some people seem immaculate. They're beautiful on the outside and also on the inside. They can sing pretty well, play some instruments. They're also achieving academically well. And they're really fit to an extent that they're an athlete. Also being a very social-able person. And maybe have some talents. They also have a complete family with no financial problems. Well, of course I do not clearly see their flaws as it's hidden beneath all these wonderful stuff.
For certain that I know I'm just average looking. And I'm not excelling academically. And I may be skinny but I totally don't do sports. And I can't sing nor play any musical instruments. And I don't think I have any talents. And my family is not totally well-off. And I'm not really social-able.
There's more than a dozen things I can say of myself which I have an animosity of but it still would not change how it already is. I've learnt to accept all my flaws.
I'm not, and I don't think ever down about this. I've come to realize that I should love myself no matter what. And although I might not be how I always wished I was. I'm really lucky to be in a good health condition and not have any chronic diseases. After all, beauty is only skin deep. So whatever it is, I know I have to be a good and patient person for life to be splendid.
I'm sure chances are given to change on the inside even though what's on the outside remains the same. Some people should quit being a superficial. It's not worth it. Criticizing leads you nowhere.
Sometimes I just think that my life would not be great now but maybe it will in the future.....
For certain that I know I'm just average looking. And I'm not excelling academically. And I may be skinny but I totally don't do sports. And I can't sing nor play any musical instruments. And I don't think I have any talents. And my family is not totally well-off. And I'm not really social-able.
There's more than a dozen things I can say of myself which I have an animosity of but it still would not change how it already is. I've learnt to accept all my flaws.
I'm not, and I don't think ever down about this. I've come to realize that I should love myself no matter what. And although I might not be how I always wished I was. I'm really lucky to be in a good health condition and not have any chronic diseases. After all, beauty is only skin deep. So whatever it is, I know I have to be a good and patient person for life to be splendid.
I'm sure chances are given to change on the inside even though what's on the outside remains the same. Some people should quit being a superficial. It's not worth it. Criticizing leads you nowhere.
Sometimes I just think that my life would not be great now but maybe it will in the future..
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone.
on Monday, October 26, 2009, @ 2:44 AM
on Monday, October 26, 2009, @ 2:44 AM
Been a while since I've posted here but I'm cool with that. I know that people who used to read my blog either don't or simply read my Tumblr. But it's okay.
My life's been a bliss, I suppose.....
My life's been a bliss, I suppose..
